Shipping: The Adventure

Avonna was looking at a soda machine when Familiar appeared out of nothing much.

"Avonna we're not being soda."

Avonna punched the coke box. It loosed an inaudible scream of torment and fury.

"But Avonna™ we don't have any money because you spent it all on high quality imported European cheeses next week."
"Why should the focus of our discussion be upon coin, the source of most, if not all, societal evils? Should we not instead consider the grand benefits of the acquisition of a cylindrical device which contains a measured quantity of caramel-colored flavored beverage?"

Juts then the Pepsi cube turned into the Thief and he laughed before running away.

"Oh no," said Familiar.

Avonna kicked the wall behind where the sprite rectangle was in half with her forehead and sat down on the ceiling. She rubbed her nose. The ceiling smelled like fruit salad and cabbagewich sandwiches.

"AVONNA AVONNA AVONNA!" shouted Familiar with excite.
"What?"
"We have to make out now."
"Okay!"

But Avonna was the ceiling so she couldn't. They stayed there for eleventeen hours because they were in true love. Finally the hotel turned FLIPWAYS (side way) because the Thief forgot to pay the gravity bill because he was busy having a romantic dinner of cabbagewich and fruit salad on the alternate parallel dimension ceiling with his girlfriend, where they had secretly agreed to switch places next week to confuse the government which was trying to arrest her for not paying the hat tax on her two hundred and seventeen varieties of fine bowler hats with rhombicosidodecahedronal collections of flowers stitched into the very fabric of space-time that composed their finely woven threads.

But not really.

Then Avonna and Familiar© hugged each other and an interdimensional time door appeared for .0353 seconds before unappearing, releasing a horrible cosmic monstrosity into the world.

But then a giant can of Tab fell from the sky and hit it in the head and it died of tuberculosis

~~~~

Meanwhile, Fox was perusing a volume of ancient Cyrillic poetry.

He turned the page, which was actually a slice of cabbage. Ever since receiving a severe concussion from the sudden adjustment of gravity, he had dramatically reinvented is life. Reading had been an avid pursuit of his for over five minutes.

"Please stop trying to read my cabbage sandwich," said the Thief as he tried to find his checkbook to pay the gravity bill. Little did he know that the checkbook was in another dimension.
"Stop trying to eat my book," retorted Fox.

He turned another page, which was a slightly wilted piece of cabbage. Since he had no hands, he used his power of telekinesis to carefully adjust the individual sheets of cabbage.

“I didn’t know you had the power of telekinesis” said the Thief.

Suddenly a tremendous hole opened up in the plot, sucking everything in the room into an alternate dimension. The Thief found his checkbook and tried to pay the gravity bill, but he forgot how to do math. He accidentally bankrupted the gravity company.

Fox continued to read the sandwich. His heart fluttered as he became infatuated with the cabbage sandwich.

“Stop that” said the Thief. “That’s my fiancée.”
“I thought you were trying to eat it” said Fox.
“It’s complicated.”

The Thief kicked Fox through the plot hole and back into reality.

“Now where were we?” he asked.

The sandwich said nothing because it was a sandwich.

“Oh right, your ex. So tell me, how crazy was he? Wow. That’s a shame.”
“Why aren’t you speaking in rhyme?” spat the sandwich.
“I thought we were friends!” shouted the Thief.
“We were never friends! Our love is a sham!”
“Please, sandwich!”
“I’m leaving!”

The sandwich died of tuberculosis.



~~~~

Author's Note: Due to technical difficulties, chapters three through five thousand seven hundred and fifty one are unavailable. We will return to the story at part five thousand seven hundred and fifty two.

The spinning planet struck Avonna in the forehead, instantly exploding into a cloud of dust, rocks, and ice.

She put down the moons she was juggling as Haydn rocketed towards her. The two collided at a significant portion of the speed of light, but nothing really happened.

"You are my one true love!" shouted Haydn over the roar of the entire universe imploding.
"But Haydn!" shouted Cozzolani, who wasn't really there, "I thought we were going to get married next week!"

No one bothered to point out that they were in space and that none of this should have been audible anyways.

Even the gentle sobbing of the Thief was audible. He existed at all points in time and space, having gotten drunk after his 4,264th failed attempt to get back together with another sandwich.

Cozzolani picked up the Sun and threw it at Haydn in anger. He kicked it in half, sending bits of Sun flying into the stars.

"Wait!" cried a voice from somewhere unknown.

Out of the eleventh dimension came Familiar, who was the size of a small galaxy. He had a giant bag full of boxes. The boxes smelled faintly of cheese.

"It's Valentine's Day!" he said. "Why are you fighting?"
"Because Haydn tried to destroy the fabric of space time itself," said Avonna.
"I was just trying to get your number!" wept Haydn, whose foot had been burned by the Sun.

Fox drifted by aimlessly.

"Well stop it," said Familiar. "I brought some fine imported European cheeses that Avonna bought tomorrow with the money that we wanted to use to buy a soda."
"But-" gasped the collective group.

With a giddy shout, Familiar hurled the bag towards the feuding creatures. It burst open, releasing a tremendous tide of tantalizingly tasty cheeses. The wave of Asiago, Trugole, Fontina, Gorgonzola, Parmigiano Reggiano, and Piave overwhlmed all of space and time with their fanciness, quietening even the Thief.

"My God," he whispered. "It's full of cheese."

Space and time began to warp as the events of the past week unraveled, undoing the tremendous damage they had wrought. The asteroid belt stopped exploding, Venus detached from Mercury, and the Earth was no longer on fire.

Haydn and Cozzolani hugged each other for five hours and then hurried off to a church to get married. They later founded a small business selling fine imported European cheeses shaped like musical instruments.

Fox went on to become a professor of linguistics at Harvard University, winning the Nobel Prize in Biology even though he did no science whatsoever. He kept his love for cabbage for the rest of his long, happy life.

Avonna and Familiar started a reality TV show called "Reality TV: The Reality Series", which spawned several derivative shows such as "Reality TV: The Reality Series: The Reality Series". They also made a killing in the fine imported European cheese market.

The ungodly beast from a parallel dimension was still dead of tuberculosis due to a glitch in the time stream.

The Thief found a new sandwich to be part of his life forever. They were eventually married after five years of dating and romance.

The vending machine ran out of Diet Coke.

The gravity company went out of business due to a debt crisis.

END